Prelude: Love Is Dead

The love has no life. It no longer has the power to take you further. Not like there is anywhere to go with it even if it could anyway. Then it becomes some sort of existential crisis, what is the meaning of this love if it's not doing anything? Is it even love anymore. Should I discard this "feeling" or whatever you want to call this emotion you have with someone. It's there, but you notice you're already living your life as if you were without. It's the occasional dissonance that hits you and makes you wonder "oh god what's wrong with me". Yet even when you stop the world it still doesn't feel right. The love is no longer immediately in touch with your mind. You then remember it used to be wired in, it moved you it drove you it touched you in every way anytime anywhere, unconsciously, effortlessly. Now the connection is oh so very explicit that it makes you feel non-human.

Everyone's special.... sometimes.

"I don't know." But you do know. You just don't wanna face all the reasons out there for you to feel like shit. Of course you'd think you've done your best, coz you'd wanna blame it on others, blame it on the world. And when you don't blame it on others, you actually fucking take pride in having taken responsibilities. but dude, that's what you should be doing for all your fucking life. So don't you even feel good about yourself for feeling responsible for everything that has to happen to you. No one cares. So neither should you.

So it's not that "they don't understand" you. It's simply that "they don't know" yet. You're nothing ok? And when you're something to someone, you fucking earned it and you'd know it. If you feel somebody's being unfair in treating you like crap, there is a fucking reason why that is. So basically no questions need to be asked. Don't ask why. If you can't understand why things are, go eat some shit. If you need to fucking complain, go eat some shit too. Nobody's gonna fucking spend time assessing whether you've been mistreated, everyone's busy detecting injustice in their own life.

Everybody loves somebody. There're obvious reasons why you're not one of them.

Wake up girls...

Find a guy, who calls you beautiful instead of hot.Who calls you back when you hang up on him. Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead. Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats. Who holds your hand in front of his friends. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."

U have to repost it or you will have bad luck for the rest of your life!!!!!!!............
Tonight at midnight your true love will realize they like you. Something good will happen to you tomorrow, it could be anywhere. So get ready for the biggest shock of your life.
If you break this chain, you will be cursed with relationship problems for the most important time of your life.
Send this to 15 people in 15 minutes to carry on the chain.

He calls me hot instead of beautiful, so do I.
When I hang up on him I call him back before he does.
When he’s awake I can’t sleep.
I’m lucky he’s not kissing another girl.
We pretend we're not in love in front of the world, and sometimes it's kinda hot.
He holds my hands when we're alone because he doesn't want his friends to be jealous.
He constantly reminds me how much he cares about me and how lucky he is to have me--because I make him.
He turns to his friends and says “…that’s her.” But not necessarily referring to me.

Wait, do I have to love him? If not, oh yeah, there’re plenty of those.

I have relationship problems already anyway. It's fucked up as is, I don’t think I give a shit anymore. Also, something good happens to me everyday.

I'd say the person who first created this chain letter wanted all her girlfriends to be forever single and lonely as her sorry self. Or, is 13.

You have the choice to pursue the fairytale or accept the fact that men are assholes (as women are bitches). Well, of course you can always settle for the lesser league. I'm sure he'll do more than those listed. Suck your toes after you walked on dog shit... announce on the PA that he's banging you... constantly touching you... while at the other end you wanna shoot yourself when you see his face, and vomit when you hear his voice.

I do recall being a total bitch...but not being 4'2...

I'm a genius. Yup, yup. I have to be. 500 words limit, *click recount* OHHHH 495 words! Fuck'n right!

Am I dying? I think I'm dying. You know you're fucked when your urine smells like bad chinese medicine. How can I give them my urine sample at this state? I should've waited to do the body checkup when I'm healthy.

So uh...I fainted after the bloodtest. yay. I can't seem to shut up about it. It felt good. I've always wanted to see what it's like to faint when you're not hammered to the point of passing out. It's different. coz you remember it. and you remember people being concerned.

You know in gradeschool you've always wished you were the one who had a nosebleed in the middle of class, the one that needed glasses, the one whose parent died of some accident and had to leave school immediately, the one who broke her leg in playground and had to walk around in that fucking cast for a month. I envied them. Except that girl who shit her pants and the teacher came back laughing and telling the whole class about it. I didn't want to be her.

Of course I knew that attitude was sick and I knew my dad would've just said to me "Oh I'll give you a broken leg."

Fuck man why didn't I faint in school.

Private school, pretty uniform, grade one through five. There're still very vivid memories of the school, the huge huge playground where you're not allowed to RUN in. Well yeah, the fucking cement on it will basically rip your entire face off if you were to fall on it at high speed. But I still get like shitty injuries like a fucking weakass scratch on my knee or something. guess I wasn't running fast enough (coz I'm FAT!!). There were those really tiny girls that are half my size and height who ran around like frenzied mice. That's why they made me the prefect to catch them. Oh I abused my power alright. and I loved it.

There was this one and only male staff in the school. No, not the hot gym teacher (gym teacher was a fucking dike, too typical). He was the old genator. So that means he's the perv, he's the rapist. (Do I have any other choice in how to look at him? No.) I had numerous nightmares of him breaking into my stall when I was peeing, or like trying to molest me. Back then I'd piss my pants when I saw him in school, and totally dash off if no one was around. Poor old man. But you don't let your grandpa work in an all girls school, not an elementary one!

Growing up in an all girls school was fucked up. Half my schoolmates look like they have a dick. I don't know man, someone has to be the guy. Just physically easier for fugly lil girls to take on that role. Don't care if they're wearing pigtails, don't care if they're wearing a skirt, they're a man! Only the beautiful ones with conspicuously feminin facial features pass as girlies. And yes I was good friends with most of them ;) Only the tall ones though coz you're highly confined to your own seat at all times, and the school's so nice to arrange seating by height, your social circle becomes highly homophilous first on height, second on attractiveness. But as the fuck if I wanted to be friends with those short nerds.

Ughh look at them dwarfs, all short and stuff, talking and eating like they're human or something.

"Why can't you just love her...Don't be such a monster..."

I hate this I hate the way I love. I hate how I try to be rational and right. I hate how I really can't afford to be the spoiled emo brat I used to be. I hate how I'm drawn to situations like this. I hate knowing how to be lovable yet I just can't fucking do it!

And I hate how you're always fucking right! what do I have left to say? You practically tell me what to feel, how to think. but what if I don't wanna be right. what if I just wanna be me! If I'm capable of being right I wouldn't have loved you in the first place. but I did and that's the only reason why I'm here now coz I fear losing you. This is the only way to be near you, the only way for you to take me. But there isn't a right way to love you, you know that? and maybe all I get is a fucking "thank you" in the end. Why can't you just love me like I do? Should I start fucking dogs so you can fall for the fucked up girl all over again?

You want to know why I feel pathetic? coz I fucking am. and I remember I used to say I'd stop liking you soon anyway. What the fuck happened man!?!?! What the fuck happened?!? Oh yes that's right, coz I'm a loser! But I was pretty fucking adorable until you turned me into one!

No you didn't. and I HATE that. and I know you love me too, but I HATE the way you love me.

please don't leave me

*Burrrrrp*

I noticed how little I have to say. and just how sorry I feel for anything that I have to say. I haven't grown up, I've just shut up I think. I always justify my bullshit by inserting a "sorry" right after. I don't think I've given up yet. I still try. I still try to please, or just be not wrong for fucking once. I see a hypocrite in the mirror. I see a hypocrite even in the shitter. How did anyone come to catch their reflection there anyway. Just because I'm not special it doesn't mean I'm not fucked up right. and just because I know I'm fucked up doesn't mean I'm less fucked up than if I didn't know right. I always thought I'll be a nicer person if I can remember to remind myself that no one gives a shit about you. But no matter how hard you try, someone has to come interrupt and care about you. Then you feel like a fucking scam. So when I can believe I deserve love, I must not deserve food, or some other thing, a tight pussy. And convince myself I'm not as hot as I'm told. because I'm a scam. Maybe I should start believing I have the smelliest poo. but it's not like anyone has to lick it. But they do have to lick my face. Not have to but they'd think they'd like to. Ugh. I guess I'm just that lovable. Don't you hate that? I'm getting a shirt that says "Everybody Loves Heidi". Maybe that'll give them a reason to hate me.
I'm a bitch.
Fuck, I hate myself again. All your fault.

you're a big fat fuck. you're hideous. you have a hideous body. FUCK you must be an alien or something. why aren't you normal? no wonder your parents called you a fucking mutant. look at your fucking belly you make me sick. and I heard you're still eating? I hope you're puking because no one sane would continue to put food in that big fucking mouth into that oh so fucking fat body of yours. why? why are you sitting down? go run and be less fat. run indoor because you should not be seen in public. it should be illegal. you should be prohibited to be seen by humans. you should go to the woods and find some fat fucks or some poo to spend your fucking life with. also, why are your boobs not huge when you're so fucking fat? your torso is thick like a house but your boobs are barely of existence. thats so wrong. are you ok? whats wrong with you? and your head's so big your face is so blown up. your eyes are fucked up. no hair looks good on you you should just forget about it. you should die. I hope you get some cancer. nobody loves you. yes, not even me. I'll kill myself if I have to see your fucking face again. bye now. go get some sympathy, thats what you fucking live on anyway.

March: To-do list

• starve self
• get fat ass off chair, workout
• only drink highly concentrated liquor to avoid unnecessary calories
• avoid being honest, especially about feelings
• shut up unless you're told to speak
• stop speaking about self in third person
• do not publish gay shit like this or continue to be gay and lose all friends
• if time allows get another haircut that can cover entire fat face
• come up with a new sympathy routine
• don't do whatever you're gonna do
  

And we meet again...

Remember that paperclip guy from Microsoft Office? I HATE THAT GUY. I see him right now, on the laptop screen of the girl in front of me.

Fuck. He just blinked. just standing there...being a dick.

He's scratching his head, rolling his eyes.

Makes me wanna bend his ass completely the other way to form another clip shape breaking his bones with the eyes ending up on the wrong side all fucked up and shit.

shut the fuck up you fat ass. you're not important you should feel like shit you should be treated like shit because you are a piece a shit. this makes sense. this is what you should feel everyday. don't ever again think you're worth something coz you're not. at most you're worth shit. shut your ugly face keep eating you fucking pig. if you can't get your fatass on the treadmill fucking shut up coz no one wants to hear about it you loser you fucking loser!! you can't even break a fucking table you can't do shit!!!!!!! everyone's better than you. your dad doing drag is hotter than you. you're a mutant you're an ugly ugly bitch. you deserve no love. here's a dildo, go fuck yourself.

Humiliating a Respectable Gadget in Public

This was a while back, this 30ish dude sitting across from me had his earphones on. Not an ipod coz they were black (yucky, hehe). He looked very "badass"(-wannabe), dressed in all black, black leather jacket, black shades, looking all hitman and shit.

At one point he pulled out this discman from his jacket pocket--which like barely fit. "Oh no..." I was thinking "Shit...Don't tell me you're changing CDs here...coz I'll cry." But no! It was worse! He took out the batteries!!!! His discman was out of battery!!!! (At this point I was beginning to feel nausea.) So he took out the presumably empty-ass batteries, put them on the seat (as shown in the picture), pulled out a new pack of AA batteries from his other pocket (ahhhh!!) replaced them in his discman! Then badass-ly pressed "play" and jammed the large electronic device back into his pocket. Once again the badass gangster-listening-to-his-music. "Do you want my nano...?" :'(

There's only like two pockets on his jacket and he devotes one of them to spare batteries. I mean...there really isn't anything wrong with discmans..... just..... don't use it. I don't think it wants to be seen being used in public either. give it a break would'ya? Geez. what's wrong with you?!

I was really tempted to sneak a shot of the process but I'm too chickenshit. So I only took a picture of the abandoned batteries he left on the train. It makes you wanna cry does it not? That's how I justify myself for being an ass.

This year is about you's.

Heidi loves you, you, you, and you. And she's determined in making sure that you"ll know it and feel it.

Let's just ditch those emoticons, ring your friends up and give them big hugs and real kisses.

Attention Whore Episode 31

the vulnerable me calls for help. why me, I ask. why fucking me.

There's actually this pattern you observe. This is you. You can't run away from it. Nothing is really new. All of this is expected. It's part of that package of your character. Nothing surprising. Yes. This is when you can cry in ease, enjoy pain because you know your blood is simply a product of your heart. And you know you're nothing without your heart. This is too fucking beautiful. Only if someone would see it the way you do.

but if there is, it's no longer magical, it's no longer personal.

It's easier to replace all this explanation with the word "pathetic". It's just easier, really.
Let me live my reality.
I let you live yours, because I love you.

I think I'm more beautiful in tears, because I've taken my smile for granted. Just like you can't feel you're alive unless you're close to death. Right...again, pathetic, too much fucking time on your hands.

well thats ME! GO FUCK YOURSELVES DUCKFACES! YES "DUCKFACE" BECAUSE QUICKENGLISH DOESN'T HAVE THE WORD FUCK YET.

Only Reason I'd Speak of Disney

Disney set you up for those twisted pornographic thoughts didn't it. A smokin' hot princess trapped in a house with seven fucking dwarfs, even a fucking 4 year old would wish they'd gang rape her at night. And didn't you just wish those seashells would come off Ariel's tits? Seriously now. Wouldn't matter to the kids if you made her wear a turtleneck made of shells, would it? Or make her a fucking Acup, then no one would care if those grapes were covered at all. But no, she's a C-cup mermaid who's horny for a human dude even when she has no fucking vagina! That is wrong.

Well I spent one night checking out Disney porn and I've always known I wasn't the only one. The Jessica from Rogers the rabbit was probably my very first lesbian fantasy. She was practically naked in that obscenely revealing night gown. Just may be the true inspiration to my seductive eyemakeup and the got-half-your-face-covered hairstyle. HOTNESS! You don't realize how unchangeable your sexuality and/or fetishism is do you.

So all this fascination with the xrated potentiality of all that crap we watched when we were young, is probably over, I think. Ever since Beauty & the Beast, the characters/plots were just so... unporn-able. It has to do with the animation itself in my opinion. I'm not totally aware of what Disney makes now but it has to do with alot of unattractive creatures and ugly asian looking kids? Or maybe I've simply grew out of that pornifying stage. But seriously, look back, Snowwhite, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty... they were so much hotter. (Gosh I loved Barbie too, but she's... tell you later.) The writers back then must be horny bastards.

Speaking of Cinderella... After I've acquired a real brain at an older age, I ask this: if the glass pump she had left behind (heel, slipper, shoe, whatever) didn't change back to its default state, does that mean all Cinderella had to do was to fucking stay at the party?? The magic stays in the party yeah!? It's like how you only sober up after you walk out of the party. She should've totally stayed! Strip fucking naked in Prince's bedroom at midnight if she's scared :D
How dare her hold the assumption that the prince is a superficial ass anyway! (Propaganda?)

All the princes look unreasonably alike too. Talk about objectifying men... the princes were the background dudes like the whores in hiphop videos now. They used to say Prince Charming has always been the same person though, who sometimes changes his hair colour. Well, either way it's fucked. Either way, Disney chicks are fucking easy whores.
and Barbie gets raped by my Ken.